I have always been scared about things being final. Leaving something I know I'll never see again, talking to someone I know that I'll never speak to again, breaking up and knowing it will never be the same, and death. All of these thoughts, just thoughts, bring tears to my eyes. I remember crying my hardest ever on the plane after it lifted off in San Jose Costa Rica, I was in a row by myself and I just cried and cried knowing that I would never experience the amazing experience that I had again.
Sometimes I feel like if I'm do something wrong or mean, I brace myself thinking, oh my, this may be the end of my friendship. They may never want to talk to me. I hardly ever break up with men I am dating. I usually just leave things. Leave first, leave before it hurts, leave before they leave, don't establish yourself somewhere because of the expectations they will have of you and you will have of them.
Fear of waiting and fear of not doing it now. Tomorrow is not promised, which is not meant to rush, but I always think back to My Girl, the movie. How the little girl's mother felt that she wasn't going to be around for long so you had to go places and she had to get married and she had to have a baby and when the man she loved said why the rush? you're young we have time. So she left him for someone who was ready for the things she wanted. And I decided never to let anyone tell me to wait, anyone to tell me I was too young, anyone to tell me that I couldn't do something, and I would never tell someone that they couldn't do something and that they should wait.
And finally death. I've been called an M&M before, tough on the outside shell only because what was inside was so soft and so emotional. I have been blessed not to have a life directly correlated with death. I have my parents, siblings, and grandparents (except one grandfather that wasn't alive when I was born) and close love ones. Both times two of my very, very close friends died, I was not living in the U.S. What would I have done at their funerals? How would I have consoled others? Could I have been consoled? Tears stream down my face as I write this just thinking about it.
This is it. This is just the tough stuff. The worries. The sadness that fills my heart. It is a sad day.
RIP: Whitney, I feel your loss for you seemed very real to me. No matter what anyone says about your problems and drugs, and how you put it on yourself, No one knows the very real stuff you want through. No one deserves your life and truly to the guy who said you deserve to die because you wasted a fantastic life. Realize the good comes with the bad, foolish one. Her life was not perfect and then she destroyed it, you never knew what causes demons when you're in the public eye getting ridiculed and criticized day after day for years. Fame is a very big monster.
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