Dream Accepted, Goal Completed. What's next?

For as long as I can remember, I have had this itch to live in Charlotte. I was convinced that was where happiness lies. I knew just knew this was where I should be. After college, I thought about going, after Peace Corps, every time there was a change in my life, but to no avail life kept pushing me in a different direction. Perhaps if I would have moved after college, when I had small town sensibility it would be different, but as it was I ended up moving to DC area, a place I loathed, a place that I never even wanted to visit. I complained and loathed, this city has no heart. By somewhere around 2.5 years, it started pulling on my heart strings, I built a life, friends, kids, close knit lifestyle. But Charlotte stayed in the back of my mind. I knew that I had to see what it was about. Even though I waver sometimes with what I say, I have done every single thing that I have ever planned on doing. I told myself while at William and Mary working in the MBA program, that I would get my master's in 5 years and have it completed before 30.

I did it.
I checked three life long dreams off my list in one reading intensive, 18 month sweep.

Master's degree. Check
Live in Charlotte. Check
Live with my sister again. Check

(And I vowed to grow my hair out and it is a beautiful curly shoulder length bush)

I learned a lot. A lot I thought I would learn and some I found out my assumptions were completely wrong. I regretted nothing. And God's plan that was whispered in my ear, worked even when I wavered, even when I didn't go according to plan.

I met someone. I learned a lot about relationships and myself. Something I couldn't have learned in DC. I changed my heart. I've been out for me for so long that I forgot to realize how amazing and supportive my family is, and how amazing and supportive I need to be for them. I thought that by having my sister move from my parents' house, I could help her develop, become a woman that, me just 18 months older thought I was. She helped me put a mirror to my life and realize that I was trying to make her into "Keisha" woman, and not just a woman. To me, she is still unorthodox, but as the original unorthodox Pierce sister, I can't complain too much.

So what's next? I'm in the in between stage but greatness can't be far. I bring a sharper mind, a quieter mind, a broader view, maturity, and a small town mind for a big city. I want to secure a job, so I can work on what is really important and next for me.....a family. :) A serious relationship. A life built with someone.

Yea that sounds about right. L'Chaim. God bless.

Why I will not marry someone who is "good enough"

Recently, I noticed as my age started moving towards the tail end of my twenties, my thought process  about men I would consider dating has completely changed. Gone were the men who had potential but just weren't there, and the "he's ok for now, I just don't see a future with him."  No, it became I want to see a future with him, and with that phase went a large amount of what was once a quite healthy, dating lifestyle. Not only did I not waste my time with those that didn't seem worthy of my time, but those that used to waste their time with me started noticing that I was a little more focused and didn't bother trying to deal with me. Too much, too focused, too sure, too arrogant, too spoiled, too knowing: I heard (and didn't hear) everything. It was hard to deal with at first, but slowly but surely I began to get used to it.

And then I began graduate school with nothing but free time. Free time that I needed to fill. Free time that I used to fill going on dates and hanging out with friends. Living somewhere that I didn't have many friends. Living somewhere with a whole new dating pool. My new friends telling me about dating in "the South." (Truly before this journey I always thought that I lived in the South, and I always thought that I was country.) I learned how women and men get married younger and it did seem that just about everywhere I looked everyone that I knew was married and most people had kids, married or not. Hmmm...But as I peeled back the layers of the relationships, I found that women were a lot more accepting of their men. While I (perhaps naively) demanded a lot from my man in a relationship, I found that the men/boys I met weren't expected to do much, and certainly didn't do more than was expected, if that. I was told (by women and men) to chill out.

Perhaps they were right, I wanted my man to be superhuman, I wanted too much, but I couldn't help but be reminded every time that I went on a date that I could give and do so much more than what I'm doing. I want someone that can reciprocate that. Now, I don't want to seem that I am complaining too hard. I've been dating a man for awhile that has been exceptional in the  many highly visible areas.  He seemed to have a check mark that was satisfactory or above in every category.

X Good job + it had a great stigma + did something I couldn't do + helped others
X Had a car, heck had two and a motorcycle (My dad always said look out for those...how many cars can one person drive at a time?)
X Had a home...he was new to the area like me renting, thinking about purchasing
X God fearing, had a personality, and family oriented (yes, yes, yes)
X Right age and was starting to be in the mind frame to settle down (I've never been able to check this one before)
X Tall and very attractive

So everything seemed right, but I began to notice as the months went by and we were just figuring things out, he didn't seem to care too much. He didn't feel overwhelmed in his feelings, he wasn't passionate, he wasn't romantic, he was just there. He didn't make dates, he would just show up when he felt like it, but I never thought anything about it. When my car broke down, he offered one of his cars to drive until mine could be fixed and I realized that this man might be down for me. Then later, I asked him to meet me, he didn't show. I asked him to meet me and my friends out, he didn't show, but claimed he was there hours later after we left (I said 10, he said he got there after 1a.m.) Then he wouldn't answer my phone calls for a couple of days because he was "mad". I gave him hell, and didn't bat an eyelash. I was determined to teach him a lesson on how to treat people. He was undeterred, that "I don't care" veil that had been there the whole relationship, now led to a much bigger issue. I was encouraged by others to let it go..(northerners), my southern friends said, "Girl you better stay with him, he's the type who will wash your car without you asking." (Probably)

This was a while ago. I made a decision that I could live with and moved on. I only thought of it because recently a friend of mine who last time I saw her was engaged showed up ring less. When I asked her what happened, she said, it was something that had quietly plagued her entire relationship and she couldn't think about it being there for the rest of her future.

I understood.

I was never ever raised to do anything good enough. I was taught by my parents, teachers, schools and environments to succeed. It is always go big or go home. I would never half ass anything, but I don't want to be around people that would. I don't want to be around late bloomers, bloom already. I am picky and spoiled, but I also work damn hard to get the best, do my best, and retain the best. I am two months (Exactly) away from needing a job, and best believe I am not half assing such an important part of my life. In the same exact way, I won't do it for a relationship that I plan to have for the rest of my life. No fancy rings, proposal, loneliness or biological clock will change that. God has an amazing plan for me and my life.

--Naturally Beautiful Me 10/16/2013

Clarity, Focus and Freakouts

I awoke with the blaring reality that I only have 3 months and 2 weeks left before I need to know my future, where am I going to live, where will my job be, and what my future will be. I prayed to God to spend me clarity on where I should be looking for jobs and what type of jobs would be my best fit, and before the day was over, my boyfriend broke up with me. I was distraught, and couldn't understand the reason why. (there was no reason why). It took me a day and a half to realize that I prayed that prayer and God sent me an answer. He knew if I had a boyfriend in Charlotte, I would look to stay in Charlotte, even though that was never the plan. Things are easier here, but I want to do something and go somewhere that I am proud of. Now it's clear, my focus is VA/DMV again. Time to buckle up for this ride.....
 

My review: Summer 2013

Happy 1st Year Anniversary to me and Charlotte, NC. So much of my opinions have changed are still being formed, I'm finally starting to fit in and I'm just as mean and cantankerous as always. I want to take you through what you've been missing in my life.

First...To my own personal Big (sex and the city reference), he and I had this twisted relationship for probably 2-3 years. The only person who could turn me on with verbal conversation, who loved to read what I wrote and comment, who would think about deep (or not so deep) stuff I said and in his rich baritone voice, tell me his thoughts. I always thought that was so doggone sexy. Sometimes we didn't even need bedtime rituals, our convos were our aphrodisiacs that led to orgasms of the mind without so much as a touch. He asked me for an update because he is so far away and I'm only so happy to oblige.

My love life:
My goals for my love life haven't changed. I always steady looking for The One, hoping to find someone who is wanting to be in the family state of mind. A lot of my prejudged thoughts of Charlotte men, rang true to loyal, marry early, simpler (well than DC), less choices here so if you find a good one you keep them. I am dating one, we are completely different but for some reason it works. Keep your fingers crossed on that one. The ex that I started this blog for is now married. People always ask me what I think about that, but though he didn't choose to tell me about the engagement or the marriage (and I only feel it would come up because we spoke right before the engagement), we had a truthful no holds barring conversation that made me realize how we are in life is completely right. I am happy for him and his missus. I recently went back to DC for a week and as soon as I arrived my personality completely changed. I met men that would be perfect for me but would be willing to trade them out the next day should they step out of a line or a newer model act better. I was willing to juggle text messages and dates, and be prepared for the secrets that would come with them doing the very same thing. DC is not a place to settle, there are too many opportunities, always something better.

My work life: Just like relationships, DC is full of opportunities, you can hop around go from job to job get better and better, do what you want, claim a piece of whatever pie you feel like eating that year. I wanted that life again, if you work hard you can have anything :) I know that I could do it now, but what about 5 years, what about my family plans. I know I could find a good man there, but to keep a good man, well that's another story. In Charlotte, I spent the summer working for a very popular #1 in several categories bank, where here in Charlotte we give so much money, we rule the area. Lots of options, good pay, lots of discounts and programs. I got in the system. I struggled with working corporate but I realized to ultimately get what I want, it would be great for me especially to grow and establish roots. There aren't as many opportunities here I could count them probably less than 20 companies, but I am willing to try.

My extroverted friend life: As an extroverted, hippie, country girl, I realize that a little too much snooty DC behavior is inside of me. I hear it, I am wildly uninterested in most things, I'd rather spend time at my house than get a beer with 20 White strangers in an almost empty bar. This is not approved behavior. I also realized that like most MBAs, I am horrible conceited know it all always ready to give my opinion or tell you where I have been and what I know about a topic. That's gotta stop. So DC I have about 15-20 closest friends and happily some of my friends have become friends with my friends. I also have a kid that I love dearly and can always just have some lowkey fun with her if I don't feel like being crazy. In NC, I have made  2 or 3 close friends plus my sister and the guy I'm dating. That is the smallest amount ever and I'm not sure if it will grow. Harder to make friends here people are not as open.

My sister life: My sister and I had the hardest time adjusting to one another. I thought she should be more motivated, more like me when I was her age, and she thought that I was pushing her, asking for too much, and wanted us to live separate yet together lives. We finally started getting it together when I had car trouble, was working and going to school and just needed her help. I just needed to say that I wasn't Superwoman and I couldn't do everything and couldn't expect her to do everything. We get along fine now.

My God life: I'm embarrassed to say of all aspects of my life. This has remained stagnant or in some cases gone backwards. In DC I got used to going to Bible Classes, and attending Church events, reading the Bible going to church every week. I am going to church and that is about it, I gotta get better.

And finally my confused life spiral: I have around 4 more months of school before I get my degree. (YAY!) My head is spinning with decision making and though my plan has always been return to DC, Im starting to see Charlotte as somewhere I can be for the future and just visit other places (in a plane with money...) When I went back to DC people were in the same places, complaining about the same things, doing stupid stuff, partying staying out, paying all their great paychecks on housing, moving back in with their parents, all of the stuff I got out of my system or never had. I may still want to be about that life now, but in 3-4 years. My heart really wants me to settle down, Ive been running for too long but to plan a future for the next 5 years makes my heartbeat really fast. I'm waiting to hear about job opportunities here, and I suppose I would move somewhere better. The idea of packing again is crazy to me too. So Charlotte, DC, Charlotte, DC, I still have time, I still have opportunities but I'm driving myself crazy trying to figure out what future me would want. My life is easy there and I could easy pick back up and get back in it, but here I am still adjusting. In the end, maybe I will adjust to life here. No matter how slow/bad drivers/nice people but never do service quite right people seem to be here.

#randomthoughts Friday

--everything i needed to know about the environment I learned from Ferngully

--the HOA President in my subdivision may just be the enemy from Ferngully, he has been cutting trees, destroying the beautiful natural flora for weeks

--there were blue people in kentucky...(no really!)
http://www.archives.com/genealogy/family-heritage-blue-people.html

--I am Helene Crane --(Quiksand by Nella Larsen)

--I look forward to the day that I don't think all slower people aren't losers.

--I'm proud that I believe in work hard, play hard, but am surprised how many people don't.

--My study mate looked at me surprised..and commented on how many hours in a row I am able to study without a break...(his average 5 mins, mine 4 hours, no food, no bathroom, no mvmt) #thanks dr. dina, monroe freshman hall, and the college of William and Mary

--I can't stand people that give up.

--I want to be more loyal.

--There are certain friends that I would do anything in the world for.

-- I am happy

--I can't wait to be a wife and mother.

--You only live moments once, and I want to make sure that they are documented, photographed, remembered

--I look forward to falling in love

--I love living a disciplined life

--I would never cheat in school because WM drilled in my head...terrific ethics that I will forever live by.

--I always thought I was a country girl until I realized that there are many different types of country and I'm not NC country, more barefoot wild and wonderful WV country

--I love reading about Black girls from WV, there is so few, but we are all great!

--Thank God for the weekend!

Maybe that's what love is

I used to think that love was an overwhelming passion threatening to sweep you off your feet and as long as your feet never touched the ground, you were there submerged in the feelings known as love. Drooping over you like a wet blanket, a day heavy with fog, weighing down even your moment, so you feel light and heavy all at the same time. Exisiting on a perfect line that you walk across like Pippi Longstocking used to walk electric lines to save the babies. Love creation highlighted on many planes so it could be everywhere but still be but one point. Love was something that you had or you didn't. It was something you felt if you lost it, worse if it was taken from you. Love was a motivation, the reason you moved, you succeed, you took your next step and you flourished.

Only now I see what I didn't see. Only now I see love doesn't have to be overwhelming, and lasts longer when it doesn't. Love is moments, and him creeping into your thoughts when you thought you would never think of him again. Love is smells that make you feel safe. Love is in the spring, love is forgiveness, love is divine.

Part of my plot has been to fall in love, to have that one, to get married, to start that life, but this weekend really made me realize how long I've been afraid, how long I've been sabotaging myself, how this "fall in love" is really bigger than any other fall in love. At 24, I could date someone who had potential. At 28, boy, you better already achieved it or on your last steps. What can I give in to? What is not important? When does "what's good on paper" every equate to love? When does "wonder what my friends will think" ever mean forever. Aha. It hits me with a sack of bricks. I ran, I blamed, I sabotaged, I went too fast, I disappeared, I was too busy and most of all I dated people that I knew would never be consistent. And I realized the scariest thing, is the most perfect thing that I got right the first time. I fell for someone, exactly how hard, at exactly the same time he fell for me. And now I worry, what if I fall for him, and he doesn't fall for me? What if I need too much attention and it scares him away? What if I'm too mean and it makes him leave? What if we go too fast? What if we go too slow? What if he likes me too much and I get bored? What if he has no money? What if he lies?

Or what if it's great? What if it's just what I need? What if it's what I hoped for and prayed about? What if this is it?

Being all part of the family

I have felt like the outsider for sometime now and I finally put my finger on why. Moving to a new area is always new, exciting, lonely, traumatizing, invigorating and you want to give up a million times. I've always known this, I have always excelled and generally quickly. What has changed? One, I'm older, as you get used to your ways, you, well, get used to your ways. Like How I Met Your Mother, when they contemplated moving to New Jersey, and the guy my sister loves says New Jersey sucks, I have all my guys in NY. My suit guy, my drink guy, my guy, I know where to go for whatever I want or there's someone to call to get it. I feel the same way, I had my go-to friends, my go-to man, my plans, my travel buddies, my fav airport, my seafood guy, my place for sweets and specialities, my grocery store in walking distance, my bar, my bartender, my Thursday nights out, my gym class, I had it all. Now I am girl-in-transition. This is bad enough but then I noticed another peculiar Charlotte only trend.

Now Charlotte is known as a transport city everyone says no, one is really from Charlotte (actually i've met quite a few) but I've noticed for example, my next door neighbor. Not to tell her business, but a single mother, every week, or sometimes days all her family comes to her house i mean like 5 cars worth. It takes a village to raise a child, I think she has one. I'm suspicious to think that they revolved around each families house choosing another house to congregate at each weekend. I also know most of my friends, live with or near family members, not just one they dragged down here because they hadn't lived together in 10 years and Older sister wondered how younger sister even acted as an adult person (oh...too much into my life...i digress). People have best friends from college (that they take seriously! like best friend is the title) cousins, cousins' friends, aunts, and uncles. If one person is successful and gets a house, no room goes unclaimed, everybody has a place they can stay. This is some Africa, one community, and it has such great potential that I am almost in awe of it. It is amazing like the Harlem days, when everybody could be seen at one point of another, because one family member's success almost guaranteed that they would be bringing up the next one for success. I've gone to so many houses where cousins and cousins and aunts live together, five best friends and a brother live together, the possibilities are endless. Just one problem. I have no family here, not that my family believes that or lives that way. Most of us live in different states can't come by after church, but do come down regularly to visit my grandma's house. We just don't all go at the same time. Are we as close? Would that exist? I don't know. I don't know if I would. The we-focused part of me shouts isn't this what we are always fighting for? But the city me, turns up my nose at the countriness that is a whole fam living together. the fight for nuclear families clearly winning, the thought of living in a tiny place alone, happy about the location not necessarily the space, the colors, the designs.

My city side and my country side fight, and the city side wins a lot, something I never expected, but I guess the city side is a bit tougher. I struggle everyday with not becoming used to this world, remembering all that I love about my other world. Wondering if this could be me...

The Connection....

1 year and three months ago, I started this blog because my boyfriend at the time was going overseas, and I didn't want to be alone to battle the feelings that were to surely come. I have learned a lot about myself in that time, discovered my faults, inadequacies, pondered the meaning of me, and learned how quick I go to dismissal sometimes before the problem even presents itself. It leads to destruction. You also learn how others around you want to dissect the problem and determine who is to blame. Well...both.still to this day both. I see how people treat the woman...what did/didn't she do? She said that? What he deserves better...he can get another and she will be alone. All true.

I freed my emotions from it (well every now and then) but still find that I don't think I will never have another connection like that one. Read that line again...I said connection..not love. This man and I have the exact same emotions about so many things. I believe our nature was so similar, it was our nuture that made us different people. Born on the same day of the same year. WOW. Our highs were higher together, our lows were lower together, and to our detriment if one of us blew up....the other blew higher....our romantic passion soared through the clouds...but our dramatic passion often hit Mars. If provoked we could have sparked something between us so fierce it would have burnt down the house we were standing in. When things were good they were real good, days spent not even leaving one another, always a way to keep us together, but when things were bad, we never knew how to get away from each other.

Ambition, finances, unknowns, promises, all wreaked havoc in our relationship like I'm sure that they do in many relationships.

But to this day, he can call me like it was the first night we spoke, like it hasn't been 4 years since we met, 3 years since we broke up the first time, 2 years since we started dating the second time, 1 year since we broke up the last time. Nothing has changed, he is still gone, he is still doing his thing, i'm doing mine, he found a younger, upgraded version of me which he smugly states "she's down with the program, loyal at all costs" 8 months ago, he started calling again....we spoke everyday, texted every hour, skyped nightly, he knew me well enough to know that I was going through a change and would need the support. That he has always been supportive. But we both go too fast....run from one emotion to the next until we realize that we have once again blown past the base of reality and are now out in the galaxy trying to outdo one another like when Charlie and Grandpa drank that fizzylifting drink and blew all the way to the dangerous fan. We do good have fun, then find ourselves circling the fan.

We cooled down since then, we exist in manic states of all or nothing, and find spring is an all time...so we start again.

He is the same as me.

For three years, I thought that meant that we would be perfect together.The highs we were feeling we weren't going to come down this time.

He knows exactly how I feel because he feels the same.

Us never coming to a conclusion but knowing having each other in our lives, feels better than not having each other.

He is the same as me.

I did the most adult thing I have ever done, I let go. I know that soon we will be circling the fan. He will push my buttons or I will push his, and we take our final moment trying to throw the other towards the fan in an effort to save ourselves.

"you are not the one for me, and I am not the one for you" Jill Scott "Cross My Mind"

Nella Larsen is the truth and other things pushing me to write

Hi Loves and Supporters,

or maybe it's just me out here...Mic check one, two. By giving up facebook and not posting on a regular basis, I'm sure I have seemingly gave up my audience.....THEY'LL BE BACK!*

Spring Break was a wonderful time for me a chance to have a real snow day (by accident 18 inches), a long never ending lie that I used to get a date, and of course the opportunity to see exactly what I am missing out on by not living in the Washington DC area. (thank you always a pleasure).

I read a lot (I know that's an always) and recent found the beautiful writing of Nella Larsen, a writer during the Harlem Renaissance, drove to depression by a divorce, negative reviews a book, and finally the accusation that she committed plagary. That many blows whewww could damage anybody. Her great stories, Passing and Quicksand, were about a strong multifaceted non-tragic, enlightened mulatto girl, which many believed were a reference to her and her life. The young woman's perception about life, race, and others, is still pertinent to today's society. I felt myself outright agreeing with some of the things she was saying. My, to transcend decades! A century! I encourage you to try and read.

I also stumbled across 30 Black Bloggers you should know, everyone knows the one talking about everyday media and gossip, but some of these are deep, some are relationships, and some I'm glad to add to my favorites column. Find out more here...http://www.theroot.com/multimedia/28-black-bloggers-you-should-know

Now back to my Spring Break....I will not hesitate to say for one minute, I have been spoiled and never had to have patience. In a land of intelligent, sophisticated people and go-go-go nature, we could all afford to blanket ourselves with smart, quick thinking people. I do not have the luxury at this moment. I am taking a lot of time to learn about family, usually I would breeze in to visit my family for a weekend, sleep a lot and catch up on TV I hadn't seen in months. Not so anymore, I live with family and this family is not go-go-go, it's more stop.... And the ambition I took for granted, the many projects, long work hours, motivated by motivation....is gone. The appreciation I never had for my last roommate is manifested everytime, I wake up at 8 am and find...no, I am not alone...no I am not the last to wake up, motivation grinds to halt....Quiet moving replaces all the craziness that I had planned. And yet, complaints abound, can you keep it down, I'm still sleeping. WAHT! (spelled that way on purpose). But yet family holds a loyalty I don't possess, a reality that you will keep all promises you made, even to your detriment. I could not imagine. Also there is happiness and balance in simplicity, and though I make attempts (many, many MANY, attempts) I don't feel it or see it. For me, happiness, satisfaction and balance only exists in complexity, staying out too late, not sleeping, going somewhere you haven't been, with someone you haven't been out with, juggling a busy schedule, creating your own events, trying to be three places at once, trying to babysit two active children, making your life worth living.
Now this comes full circle to men, be careful to ask and you shall receive. I had the luxury to my pick of attractive men, places to go to pick up a little flirtation, and man with a graduate degree in one hand and a credit card in the other....but I wanted more...no secrets...the realness...down for me...relationship oriented...more country. And what I got is....this place is small I'm starting to meet people twice, not seeing many Black men, not seeing many attractive Black men, not seeing many attractive men, hearing the real truth (i ain't got no money, I have three children) and learning the men here are relationship oriented so much so that they went ahead and did it at 25, so they are involved, but thanks for the flirt. WOW. And the women must be waiting for them to grow up, because these men aren't all that special, I went out with 2 in DC that blew the water out of these guys.

Just keep swimming, I can't judge until I meet errrbody. :) Keeping my head up....


*I hope....

To my most unconstructive year of my life...so far...

I should not complain one bit, one iota, because in my head this was always a plan. A break from working, overworking, overdoing, a chance to get an education, go full-time so I could concentrate, keep my head in the books and graduate with some latin letters on my degree (with highest honors anybody).

I like being busy always have, it keeps me sane, but I'm definitely at the point I haven't felt since Spring 2008, bored and unused. Now don't get me wrong, things aren't bad! School is going well, I'm meeting new people, but I spend every other day planning my eventual exit.

The Original Plan:
1.Be a fulltime student, work part-time focus on studies.
In reality, IM FOCUSED MANNNN. Love school, love learning. Wishing for more of a social life, I know, I know it will come. I have too much free time, but it's weird because it's not always, it just exists and I wish I had things to fill them. Yes, I've done all the cliche things that people suggests, I've gone to meet-ups, I've hung out with friends after class, I volunteered, volunteered, volunteered, I go to church events, I talk to strangers. But I still not used to having so much free time being by myself so often. Seriously, I get it all worked out finally in DC and moved away. Smart move, exlax.

2.Be a big fish in a smaller pond.
In DC, I was a regular size fish in a pond filled with those just like me. I've travelled abroad (all the fish said me too!) I went to a very competitive good school for undergrad (me too!), I'm Black (me too!), I'm willing to work hard I just need a break (me too!) I might as well scream out "All my life I had to fight" well, for space in pond and getting my voice heard in a drowning sea of "me too!" ...But at least others could relate to my plight, shared hair tips, earring guy suggestions, and the best markets to get stuff. I thought I needed a smaller pond, less people, more space, my accolades could shine more. Well, I got all that living here, but it almost feels like its too small, like a bathing suit that is too tight, I think over and over I gotta get out of this! I went out recently to a band playing and was amazed when I looked around at the small filled room, first thought...is this it? second thought...there's only one cute guy and he seemed to all the women (or wanted to), how is that possible. I can't compete. Also, maybe this is everywhere, but some of these men are so umm..compact. I do meet people like me, but so far they have all work in the same company...That seems a bit odd. All eggs one basket huh?

3. Get this degree and get out of here!
One of the reasons I chose the school that I am at is because they offer 18 month degrees that doesn't look as scary as two years, I could do that. Set my life up right so I can continue life in the fashion that I want to, with a graduate degree.

4. Check on the men in this part of the country, compare to men (lol) in DC.
Yea, so what...I wrote it. It was a goal. Noticed this section is written smaller, it was a smaller goal. The psychologist in me wanted to see if men were dating down here, if they wanted relationships, what the deal was. LOL all evidence currently is inconclusive, truthfully I haven't even really seriously met anyone here. No one real. No one I would think oh, yea that guy is cool, full of info, full of life. I haven't really met that many men over the age of 25. I can't find them, where are they...? I'm failing.

Dear Love, I have been missing you

Oh February, sweet February. How you stay on the cusp of spring...How you start to make things better, but have more mood swings than a woman that is PMSing. I actually do heart you....you mess up the schedule, got faster than expected, people want to kind start going out but instead find themselves waking up to 30 degree days, and realize they gotta still ride out this winter thang...

For those of us that didn't go into winter boo season with a boo, (i missed it!)...we sure don't have a boo now, but we still doing better than those that started with a boo, but ain't got one now.

It's probably no secret that I get the most views on my blog, when I writing about love, relationships, friends with benefits, crushes and more. Its also no secret, that except for my affinity for all things Black, positive and beautiful, there has been no love on here in a while! I believe the last time was early November, and I'm glad that I write when I'm on a high because that definitely did not end well!

I stopped pushing decided to get to know my surroundings a bit, figure out where I could fit in, and wait for that look. What look, you say? Well, it's been a minute since I got the look, but I still remember every moment of it and can replay it in my head. The moment a man looks at you, his eyes light up, its seems as if you are the only two people in the room, and as he approaches you, he makes no secret that he wants you. Everything he says is light and feathery, (or maybe that's just your head), and his innocent touches to whatever parts of your flesh that are not covered, brings electric surging through your body all the way to your toes. He is attractive too, in these scenarios he always is and this moment before you learn about him, when you can dream that he is your match, are perfect. He's perfect. You think about the way he kisses, you like how he cocks his head when he's thinking. You wonder if others around you see the sparks that are flying between the two of you and you can't wait to get back to your girl to ask if she saw the moment. Inevitably, why you are talking it gets hot, you start to peel off your sweater, or if you have none, he offers to speak to you outside, where its quiet. You and he start walking down the street, when your hands touch and you walk silently hand in hand. You wonder in your head, "Is this safe?", but it feels too good to fight, you just want to lay your head on his broad chest and trust every word that comes out of his mouth. Just let tonight be perfect...let you to be able to thin of this night for the next few weeks, months, so you know somebody wanted you and it was great.

Don't worry about tomorrow when you find out his real personality, enjoy the night....

<3 <3 miss u love <3 <3

Black History Month

Black History Month feels...well almost extinct, a bit remiss. February already goes by so fast. I started February looking for terrific events that I can go to find out more about Blacks in NC. I know that this place is filled to the brim with culture, not only is there a lot of black people here now, but Woolworth's counter in Greensboro and lots of other history!
I didn't see much, lots of movie opportunities from the last couple years, but me, I want to see the new stuff the things that win film festivals. Where are the museum pieces the odes to greatness. So I found four things so far that make me happy and I thought that I would share. One, a short film filled with gorgeous Black beauties in film and music, 2, a list of 100 books by Black women everyone should read, and 3, a beauty ode to Black History Month using children, and 4. A cool tumblr account filled with luminous Black women from our past. What will I be doing? Well I started reading the around 60 books (im not really convinced there are 100 there) from the list and read Our Black Year, that talked about how fast the black dollar leave the black community (read minutes/seconds) while the Asian dollar and Jewish dollar can last weeks, months in their respectively communities, even though Black discretionary spending is off the charts (like 940 MILLION!)* And I decided to try and go to as many Black owned businesses to try and add them to my regular shopping. I went to a great natural hair care store and a hookah-literary cafe. I will continue that quest.  Below are the four things I found that I wanted to share, All my sistah girl love,

Naturally Beautiful Black me!!

The Door by Ava DuVernay

100 books by Black Women everyone must read
http://www.forharriet.com/2013/02/100-books-by-black-women-everyone-must.html

3. Children resemble icons for Black History Month
https://www.facebook.com/#!/EuniqueJonesPhotography

4. Vintage Black Glamour
http://vintageblackglamour.tumblr.com/?mc_cid=d7c7aaa8ed&mc_eid=f345d9d41a

Enjoy!!

*Be careful with your readings, some lead to some angry feelings towards our less melanin friends

 

New subtitle for a new journey for this ex-country turned country girl

I wanted to change my sub-title.

You know the title that comes up after Naturally Beautiful Me. I was thinking citified country girl returns to country, feels out of place and in place at the same time.

Something like that...well it's true.

All I know to be true about my journey in Charlotte is as below:

I may always weigh a lil' more in the South than I ever did in D.C.

My hair is growing so fast, I never want to leave...(no wonder crops did so well here)

If I want to find a significant other (and I do!), my chances are much higher here than could ever be in D.C.

That's it....that is all I know to be true after being here for 5 months....(tune in to see what else I find out)

 

"I thought you were over traveling"

" I thought you were over traveling", he said to me like travelling was a disease or a cold something that I could get over. My mouth opened then closed, for those of you who don't know me, I have "a smart mouth", quick to say things that possibly shouldn't have been worded that way even if it was thought of that way.

My thoughts: How could you say that? How could one get over travelling? Especially while there are hundreds upon thousands of places that I have never been. My feet have never even touched Africa. My list is still overflowing waiting for dollars to be replaced in my account so I would be able to go the places that only I can imagine. Ghana, Kenya, Mozambique, different languages, different colors, different cultures. The unbelievable feeling that you are out of your element mixed with the excitement of being out of your element. Being able to see things more simply, to see others who believe that life is a gift, that food is a blessing, so little becomes so much. How different it changes your mind and in truth I like that person, I like who I am when I'm traveling. I like having to try hard, getting lost, meeting strangers that will grow with you, show you experiences, trusting others, and seeing the beauty that is the landscape, the sunset, the flowers bloom. Having the chance to do something once, that you know you may never do again. It is a feeling unexplainable, all you know is you want to do it again, and again, and possibly forever.

 One day, I wondered what I would do if I ultimately reached success, some arbituary title or salary that equals that I have made it. I would disappear....cause that was never as important to me as the people I could help the places I could visit, the love that I could spread.

So to answer his question....I will never be over traveling. Everything that I do to make myself greater and stronger is for three reasons, God, family and happiness. And without traveling, I don't think I could be completely happy. I may not be able to go for years, but weeks, a month, even 3, is always on my mind.

know what I mean?

My loves part 3...Solange

So I am really enjoying sharing my loves with everyone. So I thought I would come back for day #3. Now I don't think it's right to separate things like sisters and that if you like one, you can't like the other, cause come on, if they are sisters than they are similar so you will see someone of the same with both, but I am a Solange girl. Beyonce is everyone's favorites, appeals to almost everyone. But Solange, she sing herself into a corner for her beliefs. I love her style, love how unforgiving she is about her style, she only makes music, that she likes, she will cut her hair off (who cares she rocks weaves, but i love the style) her clothes, i wish i could put it together like that...my bohemian is truly bohemian loll....

Now on to her new album, my crew of girls in DC are of course going to see her at the Black Cat, after I asked them if they heard her new album (FYI they hadn't). IF you hadn't heard her album, it is raw, truth, say what you want....I have been accused of airing out too much on my blog, but my girl aired it out! Believe me, if you ever just had a day you were fed up, and not getting the chance to take it out on him, and not wanting to accidently take it out on someone else...you might just write it out or sing it out.

I've loved Solange since her Sol-Angels and Hadley St. Dreams days, with I Decided, part 2, T.O.N.Y., lawd don't get me started. some of her songs and there for when you are in a funk, she'll come get funky with u.

I was jamming to her song "Some things never f**king work" from the new 'True' album ever since my jaw dropped the first time I heard it. Now for style just check her out below...these are my favorites...


 

My loves continued....Kerry Washington and Scandal

I have so much to be thankful for. I challenge myself this year to not be so "American" and assume I deserve everything and just be extremely thankful for everything in my life. Really...my cute two-story townhouse for cheap rent, living in Charlotte where I wanted to live for years, (dream realized), having money to go to school (even though none for much else), friends (though far), family (though far) and LOTS AND LOTS of opportunity, plus everything annoying is on a timer.

Now to switch gears, yesterday I brought you one of my loves Quvenzhane Wallis, so I thought how fitting for the beginning of 2013 is for me to talk about some of my loves.

Now I got on the Scandal bandwagon a bit late, but after one long Hulu session, plus a night at my crazy's friends with a DVR player, it seems that I am all caught up, in love, slightly obsessed. And I don't obsess lightly. I always thought my personality was prone to obsessions so I made sure that I didn't connect to anything too tightly. But Scandal, has love, passion, mystery, twists and turns, and my favorite Kerry Washington.
Now I loved Kerry Washington from jump....I mean back in the "Our Song" and "Save the Last Dance" day. I thought something about her was so beautiful and she reminded me of me.

Fast forward to her in Common's and Maxwell's video, I realized that she had blossomed before our eyes. She was sexy, intelligent, and seductress and now I knew that I wanted to be like her.

Last King of Scotland, Ray and now Django, she is talented, multifaceted, and can make us believe any role she is playing.

Getting to watch her every week on Scandal, full of poise, intelligence, always has the answer, men fighting for her, her love ground wrong but unshakable, Gosh, I hope to be her. And I hope one day someone dresses me like her, cause her outfits...wow....

uhh but I'll never be that skinny.



 

Quvenzhane Wallis for an Oscar.....

Hi loves, I am gushing with such pride for Quvenzhane Wallis, a girl who I have been falling for quite awhile after seeing Beasts of the Southern Wild during limited screenings in a small theater that somehow 7 of my friends, my friends' friends, and a crush, were all in there (sprinkled throughout the theater none of us got a seat together) One...7 friends coming together in DC....surprising. This movie....was a WOW.

Quvenzhane played a young girl named Hushpuppy that lived in the Bathtub, and she tugged at my heart strings almost immediately. (I was told she looked like me....but then again brown skin, crazy afro...who doesn't?)

She has been nominated for Best Actress at the Oscars, the youngest girl to ever receive that honor. And she has a huge group of people pulling for her.

I have stayed pulling up her name looking for new movies that she will be in and while waiting for Boneshaker to come out, I see that she will be back on the main screen for the movie, Twelve Years A Slave, along with some heavy hitters.

Nazie (can I call you that? cause I consider us friends, like you were one of my kids from school), just know we are proud of you, we are supporting you and we think that you are amazing!!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/01/10/quvenzhane-wallis-oscars-best-actress_n_2446855.html?utm_hp_ref=entertainment#slide=1965285




 

This is what I was talking about the other day!! Lying, cheating, stealing...cause it's all too easy

http://www.chicagotribune.com/features/life/ct-tribu-remarkable-pope-20130105,0,4731331.story

LOVE!

Welcome back Spring Semester MBAs

" I have dropped effervescent intellect into the half-empty glass of my life and soon my cup will runneth over...."pg 67- rebel yell

Girl Lisa ponderings

Girl Lisa jumps up from her bed, sweat on her brow, face twisted up with a bad memory. It had happened again, the nightmare where someone has hurt her and though she never can remember what happened, she always knows where she goes to feel protected. Like in real life, there has always been one man (aside from her father) that could take care of her and truly protect her.

But she had made a choice and now he was gone. She was left to reflect on whether she had made the right decision. Back then she had choices, men throwing themselves at her, the one who always stood beside her, she now felt that she had outgrown. He would always be there, but the new guy, now that was her future.

And she had loved them both. "How silly and immature" she thought now, but would she make the same decision now? Right after some of their best times together, she told him, that she had met someone else. She had begged him all summer to visit her to try something, to be adventurous and spontaneous, but he had declined. Perhaps too shy, too country. He wanted things to stay like it was. He always said, " I'll always be here and you can always visit."

The dream is always the same. Girl Lisa has a duffle bag in her hand and tears in her eyes. She knocks on the door and it is raining in the background. He opens the door, sees her face and opens his arms wide for her to step in and embrace her. He holds her so tight she knows he wil make everything better. He always did. He was always there for her during the relationship. It was her that broke up with him and hurt his heart with no explanation. Just...she had found someone that was a better fit for her.

So now when she looks for him to put her broken pieces back together. He is gone. He's not there anymore and he has someone else to protect and love.

Girl Lisa is left standing in the rain.

Ethics in the real world

I almost forgot how I wanted to mentioned this because I was so appalled by people (actually all men, but women weren't exempt) and how they rationalized wrongdoing.

Twice recently I have thought to myself "is this real?" First dealing with school and cheating. Let me backtrack a moment. I went to William and Mary, traditional values and honor code followers. We revelled in being a school where you could leave an Ipod or a laptop at your table go use the bathroom and come back and it hasn't moved. We did not cheat because we would to represent the very best of ourselves. I always knew and believed that so I didn't notice how much, how often WM drilled it into our heads. It worked (well at least for me), my classmates and I were very much ethical workers in the real world. We had a sense of right and wrong, and knew to choose right, and question wrong behavior.

Flashforward to now....I'm in school again. These younguns' and international students are something else! Blantant crazy cheating, just pure not learning for knowledge sake, coping homeworks and couldn't even write down much less learn anything on the paper. The conference in Florida I sat in on a panel that discussed how flagrant cheaters had become almost throwing it in your face and daring you to say that they did something wrong. Full of excuses for why doing wrong is ok and not even having the sense to feel embarassed, disappointed in themselves or feel an ounce of remorse! My God (mind you I'm calling to Him right now) what the world is coming too.

Part 2: Upon finding out someone is cheating, I really wanted to figure out how dare they think it's ok. Mind you I was raised differently, but what really makes it ok for you to do wrong. It's funny within the same week, I had these conversation with 1. a guy that cheats on his schoolwork and 2. a guy that cheats with his girl.

Guy #1: He happened to be in my group for a project we were working on. I knew previously that he cheats on tests in class, loudly whispering what is the answer to this? He borrows others work, so he can make sure that his is similar, and turning in the same papers for multiple courses more. (Oddly, this wasn't helping him get good grades, so maybe there is vindication in that). Of course our project had peer grading meaning if I said he didn't give a 100%, he would share 100% of the grade. He asked me point blank (cause believe me I don't mind) would Americans ever do that, because he coming from another culture, he would never "hurt" someones score by giving them a lower than 100. Ha, I reminded him that he would be hurting his own score by not giving his all, and making others pick up his slack that is not how group projects are successful. The group isn't hurting the member the member is hurting himself and the group. Ha. (and I think my voice got a lil too serious...we changed the subject, but I know he remembered what I said).

Guy #2: I have been talking to a guy friend who has been at the least not doing his girlfriend completely right. But rule number one he says, if you don't get caught, it's not cheating. And rule number two, only having sex is cheating. Hmm....so I challenged him, what if I told her. What if I showed her proof (believe me I had proof) He laughed and said I would never do that. Why would I mess up the good thing they were having? Then it would be my fault if they didn't work out, not his wrongdoing.

We need to change society. It seems to forever be the whistleblower that gets in trouble and not the person doing wrong. When see senators and other important figures cheating, fault goes to the woman they are cheating with, or the wife that was not good enough. When figures are caught with their hand in the cookie jar, they are laud as great thieves splashed over the media headlines, sure to live in infamy. We need people to get in trouble for their actions, for people to applaud when pointing out wrongdoing, we are not tattletailers, we are the ones trying to keep the world honest.

Maybe snitches shouldn't get stitches, they should get riches..... (PS do you know for big cases whistleblowers can receive a reward in the thousands or millions for turning someone in that is doing fraud....#imjustsayin (You already know Imma turn you in).

Animal Passion

OOOOOOOOOoooooo..... Have you ever just felt this connection to someone? Completely lust...it just flocks over you. Every time, I mean every time. It's so bad you can't even see this person during daylight hours walking in the mall without thinking about him...well you know. I am told that I even get a look in my eye, so much that they know I will say yes to almost anything. UHOH.

I mean what's a girl supposed to do? Is it bad that I got bad? (LOL like the song says "I gotta bad and that ain't good") Especially if he doesn't have it bad for me. Mind you my head is not very clear whenever I am near him, so I have to wait weeks or months to get mad and it melts 99% of the time if I see him.

Not good for dating, not good for love, not good for relationships, good for ?? But can you just let that power go? Really?? It feels so magnetic.

I'm walking the line of doing something big in my love life....but that can't happen if I keep doing stuff that I used to be doing. I have grown-up ideas. Working on getting myself ready for grown up love. Glad he'll be all too far away for me to feel the passion...cause I'm not sure if I could stop it.