Recently, I noticed as my age started moving towards the tail end of my twenties, my thought process about men I would consider dating has completely changed. Gone were the men who had potential but just weren't there, and the "he's ok for now, I just don't see a future with him." No, it became I want to see a future with him, and with that phase went a large amount of what was once a quite healthy, dating lifestyle. Not only did I not waste my time with those that didn't seem worthy of my time, but those that used to waste their time with me started noticing that I was a little more focused and didn't bother trying to deal with me. Too much, too focused, too sure, too arrogant, too spoiled, too knowing: I heard (and didn't hear) everything. It was hard to deal with at first, but slowly but surely I began to get used to it.
And then I began graduate school with nothing but free time. Free time that I needed to fill. Free time that I used to fill going on dates and hanging out with friends. Living somewhere that I didn't have many friends. Living somewhere with a whole new dating pool. My new friends telling me about dating in "the South." (Truly before this journey I always thought that I lived in the South, and I always thought that I was country.) I learned how women and men get married younger and it did seem that just about everywhere I looked everyone that I knew was married and most people had kids, married or not. Hmmm...But as I peeled back the layers of the relationships, I found that women were a lot more accepting of their men. While I (perhaps naively) demanded a lot from my man in a relationship, I found that the men/boys I met weren't expected to do much, and certainly didn't do more than was expected, if that. I was told (by women and men) to chill out.
Perhaps they were right, I wanted my man to be superhuman, I wanted too much, but I couldn't help but be reminded every time that I went on a date that I could give and do so much more than what I'm doing. I want someone that can reciprocate that. Now, I don't want to seem that I am complaining too hard. I've been dating a man for awhile that has been exceptional in the many highly visible areas. He seemed to have a check mark that was satisfactory or above in every category.
X Good job + it had a great stigma + did something I couldn't do + helped others
X Had a car, heck had two and a motorcycle (My dad always said look out for those...how many cars can one person drive at a time?)
X Had a home...he was new to the area like me renting, thinking about purchasing
X God fearing, had a personality, and family oriented (yes, yes, yes)
X Right age and was starting to be in the mind frame to settle down (I've never been able to check this one before)
X Tall and very attractive
So everything seemed right, but I began to notice as the months went by and we were just figuring things out, he didn't seem to care too much. He didn't feel overwhelmed in his feelings, he wasn't passionate, he wasn't romantic, he was just there. He didn't make dates, he would just show up when he felt like it, but I never thought anything about it. When my car broke down, he offered one of his cars to drive until mine could be fixed and I realized that this man might be down for me. Then later, I asked him to meet me, he didn't show. I asked him to meet me and my friends out, he didn't show, but claimed he was there hours later after we left (I said 10, he said he got there after 1a.m.) Then he wouldn't answer my phone calls for a couple of days because he was "mad". I gave him hell, and didn't bat an eyelash. I was determined to teach him a lesson on how to treat people. He was undeterred, that "I don't care" veil that had been there the whole relationship, now led to a much bigger issue. I was encouraged by others to let it go..(northerners), my southern friends said, "Girl you better stay with him, he's the type who will wash your car without you asking." (Probably)
This was a while ago. I made a decision that I could live with and moved on. I only thought of it because recently a friend of mine who last time I saw her was engaged showed up ring less. When I asked her what happened, she said, it was something that had quietly plagued her entire relationship and she couldn't think about it being there for the rest of her future.
I understood.
I was never ever raised to do anything good enough. I was taught by my parents, teachers, schools and environments to succeed. It is always go big or go home. I would never half ass anything, but I don't want to be around people that would. I don't want to be around late bloomers, bloom already. I am picky and spoiled, but I also work damn hard to get the best, do my best, and retain the best. I am two months (Exactly) away from needing a job, and best believe I am not half assing such an important part of my life. In the same exact way, I won't do it for a relationship that I plan to have for the rest of my life. No fancy rings, proposal, loneliness or biological clock will change that. God has an amazing plan for me and my life.
--Naturally Beautiful Me 10/16/2013
And then I began graduate school with nothing but free time. Free time that I needed to fill. Free time that I used to fill going on dates and hanging out with friends. Living somewhere that I didn't have many friends. Living somewhere with a whole new dating pool. My new friends telling me about dating in "the South." (Truly before this journey I always thought that I lived in the South, and I always thought that I was country.) I learned how women and men get married younger and it did seem that just about everywhere I looked everyone that I knew was married and most people had kids, married or not. Hmmm...But as I peeled back the layers of the relationships, I found that women were a lot more accepting of their men. While I (perhaps naively) demanded a lot from my man in a relationship, I found that the men/boys I met weren't expected to do much, and certainly didn't do more than was expected, if that. I was told (by women and men) to chill out.
Perhaps they were right, I wanted my man to be superhuman, I wanted too much, but I couldn't help but be reminded every time that I went on a date that I could give and do so much more than what I'm doing. I want someone that can reciprocate that. Now, I don't want to seem that I am complaining too hard. I've been dating a man for awhile that has been exceptional in the many highly visible areas. He seemed to have a check mark that was satisfactory or above in every category.
X Good job + it had a great stigma + did something I couldn't do + helped others
X Had a car, heck had two and a motorcycle (My dad always said look out for those...how many cars can one person drive at a time?)
X Had a home...he was new to the area like me renting, thinking about purchasing
X God fearing, had a personality, and family oriented (yes, yes, yes)
X Right age and was starting to be in the mind frame to settle down (I've never been able to check this one before)
X Tall and very attractive
So everything seemed right, but I began to notice as the months went by and we were just figuring things out, he didn't seem to care too much. He didn't feel overwhelmed in his feelings, he wasn't passionate, he wasn't romantic, he was just there. He didn't make dates, he would just show up when he felt like it, but I never thought anything about it. When my car broke down, he offered one of his cars to drive until mine could be fixed and I realized that this man might be down for me. Then later, I asked him to meet me, he didn't show. I asked him to meet me and my friends out, he didn't show, but claimed he was there hours later after we left (I said 10, he said he got there after 1a.m.) Then he wouldn't answer my phone calls for a couple of days because he was "mad". I gave him hell, and didn't bat an eyelash. I was determined to teach him a lesson on how to treat people. He was undeterred, that "I don't care" veil that had been there the whole relationship, now led to a much bigger issue. I was encouraged by others to let it go..(northerners), my southern friends said, "Girl you better stay with him, he's the type who will wash your car without you asking." (Probably)
This was a while ago. I made a decision that I could live with and moved on. I only thought of it because recently a friend of mine who last time I saw her was engaged showed up ring less. When I asked her what happened, she said, it was something that had quietly plagued her entire relationship and she couldn't think about it being there for the rest of her future.
I understood.
I was never ever raised to do anything good enough. I was taught by my parents, teachers, schools and environments to succeed. It is always go big or go home. I would never half ass anything, but I don't want to be around people that would. I don't want to be around late bloomers, bloom already. I am picky and spoiled, but I also work damn hard to get the best, do my best, and retain the best. I am two months (Exactly) away from needing a job, and best believe I am not half assing such an important part of my life. In the same exact way, I won't do it for a relationship that I plan to have for the rest of my life. No fancy rings, proposal, loneliness or biological clock will change that. God has an amazing plan for me and my life.
--Naturally Beautiful Me 10/16/2013
No comments:
Post a Comment