Maybe that's what love is

I used to think that love was an overwhelming passion threatening to sweep you off your feet and as long as your feet never touched the ground, you were there submerged in the feelings known as love. Drooping over you like a wet blanket, a day heavy with fog, weighing down even your moment, so you feel light and heavy all at the same time. Exisiting on a perfect line that you walk across like Pippi Longstocking used to walk electric lines to save the babies. Love creation highlighted on many planes so it could be everywhere but still be but one point. Love was something that you had or you didn't. It was something you felt if you lost it, worse if it was taken from you. Love was a motivation, the reason you moved, you succeed, you took your next step and you flourished.

Only now I see what I didn't see. Only now I see love doesn't have to be overwhelming, and lasts longer when it doesn't. Love is moments, and him creeping into your thoughts when you thought you would never think of him again. Love is smells that make you feel safe. Love is in the spring, love is forgiveness, love is divine.

Part of my plot has been to fall in love, to have that one, to get married, to start that life, but this weekend really made me realize how long I've been afraid, how long I've been sabotaging myself, how this "fall in love" is really bigger than any other fall in love. At 24, I could date someone who had potential. At 28, boy, you better already achieved it or on your last steps. What can I give in to? What is not important? When does "what's good on paper" every equate to love? When does "wonder what my friends will think" ever mean forever. Aha. It hits me with a sack of bricks. I ran, I blamed, I sabotaged, I went too fast, I disappeared, I was too busy and most of all I dated people that I knew would never be consistent. And I realized the scariest thing, is the most perfect thing that I got right the first time. I fell for someone, exactly how hard, at exactly the same time he fell for me. And now I worry, what if I fall for him, and he doesn't fall for me? What if I need too much attention and it scares him away? What if I'm too mean and it makes him leave? What if we go too fast? What if we go too slow? What if he likes me too much and I get bored? What if he has no money? What if he lies?

Or what if it's great? What if it's just what I need? What if it's what I hoped for and prayed about? What if this is it?

Being all part of the family

I have felt like the outsider for sometime now and I finally put my finger on why. Moving to a new area is always new, exciting, lonely, traumatizing, invigorating and you want to give up a million times. I've always known this, I have always excelled and generally quickly. What has changed? One, I'm older, as you get used to your ways, you, well, get used to your ways. Like How I Met Your Mother, when they contemplated moving to New Jersey, and the guy my sister loves says New Jersey sucks, I have all my guys in NY. My suit guy, my drink guy, my guy, I know where to go for whatever I want or there's someone to call to get it. I feel the same way, I had my go-to friends, my go-to man, my plans, my travel buddies, my fav airport, my seafood guy, my place for sweets and specialities, my grocery store in walking distance, my bar, my bartender, my Thursday nights out, my gym class, I had it all. Now I am girl-in-transition. This is bad enough but then I noticed another peculiar Charlotte only trend.

Now Charlotte is known as a transport city everyone says no, one is really from Charlotte (actually i've met quite a few) but I've noticed for example, my next door neighbor. Not to tell her business, but a single mother, every week, or sometimes days all her family comes to her house i mean like 5 cars worth. It takes a village to raise a child, I think she has one. I'm suspicious to think that they revolved around each families house choosing another house to congregate at each weekend. I also know most of my friends, live with or near family members, not just one they dragged down here because they hadn't lived together in 10 years and Older sister wondered how younger sister even acted as an adult person (oh...too much into my life...i digress). People have best friends from college (that they take seriously! like best friend is the title) cousins, cousins' friends, aunts, and uncles. If one person is successful and gets a house, no room goes unclaimed, everybody has a place they can stay. This is some Africa, one community, and it has such great potential that I am almost in awe of it. It is amazing like the Harlem days, when everybody could be seen at one point of another, because one family member's success almost guaranteed that they would be bringing up the next one for success. I've gone to so many houses where cousins and cousins and aunts live together, five best friends and a brother live together, the possibilities are endless. Just one problem. I have no family here, not that my family believes that or lives that way. Most of us live in different states can't come by after church, but do come down regularly to visit my grandma's house. We just don't all go at the same time. Are we as close? Would that exist? I don't know. I don't know if I would. The we-focused part of me shouts isn't this what we are always fighting for? But the city me, turns up my nose at the countriness that is a whole fam living together. the fight for nuclear families clearly winning, the thought of living in a tiny place alone, happy about the location not necessarily the space, the colors, the designs.

My city side and my country side fight, and the city side wins a lot, something I never expected, but I guess the city side is a bit tougher. I struggle everyday with not becoming used to this world, remembering all that I love about my other world. Wondering if this could be me...

The Connection....

1 year and three months ago, I started this blog because my boyfriend at the time was going overseas, and I didn't want to be alone to battle the feelings that were to surely come. I have learned a lot about myself in that time, discovered my faults, inadequacies, pondered the meaning of me, and learned how quick I go to dismissal sometimes before the problem even presents itself. It leads to destruction. You also learn how others around you want to dissect the problem and determine who is to blame. Well...both.still to this day both. I see how people treat the woman...what did/didn't she do? She said that? What he deserves better...he can get another and she will be alone. All true.

I freed my emotions from it (well every now and then) but still find that I don't think I will never have another connection like that one. Read that line again...I said connection..not love. This man and I have the exact same emotions about so many things. I believe our nature was so similar, it was our nuture that made us different people. Born on the same day of the same year. WOW. Our highs were higher together, our lows were lower together, and to our detriment if one of us blew up....the other blew higher....our romantic passion soared through the clouds...but our dramatic passion often hit Mars. If provoked we could have sparked something between us so fierce it would have burnt down the house we were standing in. When things were good they were real good, days spent not even leaving one another, always a way to keep us together, but when things were bad, we never knew how to get away from each other.

Ambition, finances, unknowns, promises, all wreaked havoc in our relationship like I'm sure that they do in many relationships.

But to this day, he can call me like it was the first night we spoke, like it hasn't been 4 years since we met, 3 years since we broke up the first time, 2 years since we started dating the second time, 1 year since we broke up the last time. Nothing has changed, he is still gone, he is still doing his thing, i'm doing mine, he found a younger, upgraded version of me which he smugly states "she's down with the program, loyal at all costs" 8 months ago, he started calling again....we spoke everyday, texted every hour, skyped nightly, he knew me well enough to know that I was going through a change and would need the support. That he has always been supportive. But we both go too fast....run from one emotion to the next until we realize that we have once again blown past the base of reality and are now out in the galaxy trying to outdo one another like when Charlie and Grandpa drank that fizzylifting drink and blew all the way to the dangerous fan. We do good have fun, then find ourselves circling the fan.

We cooled down since then, we exist in manic states of all or nothing, and find spring is an all time...so we start again.

He is the same as me.

For three years, I thought that meant that we would be perfect together.The highs we were feeling we weren't going to come down this time.

He knows exactly how I feel because he feels the same.

Us never coming to a conclusion but knowing having each other in our lives, feels better than not having each other.

He is the same as me.

I did the most adult thing I have ever done, I let go. I know that soon we will be circling the fan. He will push my buttons or I will push his, and we take our final moment trying to throw the other towards the fan in an effort to save ourselves.

"you are not the one for me, and I am not the one for you" Jill Scott "Cross My Mind"

Nella Larsen is the truth and other things pushing me to write

Hi Loves and Supporters,

or maybe it's just me out here...Mic check one, two. By giving up facebook and not posting on a regular basis, I'm sure I have seemingly gave up my audience.....THEY'LL BE BACK!*

Spring Break was a wonderful time for me a chance to have a real snow day (by accident 18 inches), a long never ending lie that I used to get a date, and of course the opportunity to see exactly what I am missing out on by not living in the Washington DC area. (thank you always a pleasure).

I read a lot (I know that's an always) and recent found the beautiful writing of Nella Larsen, a writer during the Harlem Renaissance, drove to depression by a divorce, negative reviews a book, and finally the accusation that she committed plagary. That many blows whewww could damage anybody. Her great stories, Passing and Quicksand, were about a strong multifaceted non-tragic, enlightened mulatto girl, which many believed were a reference to her and her life. The young woman's perception about life, race, and others, is still pertinent to today's society. I felt myself outright agreeing with some of the things she was saying. My, to transcend decades! A century! I encourage you to try and read.

I also stumbled across 30 Black Bloggers you should know, everyone knows the one talking about everyday media and gossip, but some of these are deep, some are relationships, and some I'm glad to add to my favorites column. Find out more here...http://www.theroot.com/multimedia/28-black-bloggers-you-should-know

Now back to my Spring Break....I will not hesitate to say for one minute, I have been spoiled and never had to have patience. In a land of intelligent, sophisticated people and go-go-go nature, we could all afford to blanket ourselves with smart, quick thinking people. I do not have the luxury at this moment. I am taking a lot of time to learn about family, usually I would breeze in to visit my family for a weekend, sleep a lot and catch up on TV I hadn't seen in months. Not so anymore, I live with family and this family is not go-go-go, it's more stop.... And the ambition I took for granted, the many projects, long work hours, motivated by motivation....is gone. The appreciation I never had for my last roommate is manifested everytime, I wake up at 8 am and find...no, I am not alone...no I am not the last to wake up, motivation grinds to halt....Quiet moving replaces all the craziness that I had planned. And yet, complaints abound, can you keep it down, I'm still sleeping. WAHT! (spelled that way on purpose). But yet family holds a loyalty I don't possess, a reality that you will keep all promises you made, even to your detriment. I could not imagine. Also there is happiness and balance in simplicity, and though I make attempts (many, many MANY, attempts) I don't feel it or see it. For me, happiness, satisfaction and balance only exists in complexity, staying out too late, not sleeping, going somewhere you haven't been, with someone you haven't been out with, juggling a busy schedule, creating your own events, trying to be three places at once, trying to babysit two active children, making your life worth living.
Now this comes full circle to men, be careful to ask and you shall receive. I had the luxury to my pick of attractive men, places to go to pick up a little flirtation, and man with a graduate degree in one hand and a credit card in the other....but I wanted more...no secrets...the realness...down for me...relationship oriented...more country. And what I got is....this place is small I'm starting to meet people twice, not seeing many Black men, not seeing many attractive Black men, not seeing many attractive men, hearing the real truth (i ain't got no money, I have three children) and learning the men here are relationship oriented so much so that they went ahead and did it at 25, so they are involved, but thanks for the flirt. WOW. And the women must be waiting for them to grow up, because these men aren't all that special, I went out with 2 in DC that blew the water out of these guys.

Just keep swimming, I can't judge until I meet errrbody. :) Keeping my head up....


*I hope....