I used to think that love was an overwhelming passion threatening to sweep you off your feet and as long as your feet never touched the ground, you were there submerged in the feelings known as love. Drooping over you like a wet blanket, a day heavy with fog, weighing down even your moment, so you feel light and heavy all at the same time. Exisiting on a perfect line that you walk across like Pippi Longstocking used to walk electric lines to save the babies. Love creation highlighted on many planes so it could be everywhere but still be but one point. Love was something that you had or you didn't. It was something you felt if you lost it, worse if it was taken from you. Love was a motivation, the reason you moved, you succeed, you took your next step and you flourished.
Only now I see what I didn't see. Only now I see love doesn't have to be overwhelming, and lasts longer when it doesn't. Love is moments, and him creeping into your thoughts when you thought you would never think of him again. Love is smells that make you feel safe. Love is in the spring, love is forgiveness, love is divine.
Part of my plot has been to fall in love, to have that one, to get married, to start that life, but this weekend really made me realize how long I've been afraid, how long I've been sabotaging myself, how this "fall in love" is really bigger than any other fall in love. At 24, I could date someone who had potential. At 28, boy, you better already achieved it or on your last steps. What can I give in to? What is not important? When does "what's good on paper" every equate to love? When does "wonder what my friends will think" ever mean forever. Aha. It hits me with a sack of bricks. I ran, I blamed, I sabotaged, I went too fast, I disappeared, I was too busy and most of all I dated people that I knew would never be consistent. And I realized the scariest thing, is the most perfect thing that I got right the first time. I fell for someone, exactly how hard, at exactly the same time he fell for me. And now I worry, what if I fall for him, and he doesn't fall for me? What if I need too much attention and it scares him away? What if I'm too mean and it makes him leave? What if we go too fast? What if we go too slow? What if he likes me too much and I get bored? What if he has no money? What if he lies?
Or what if it's great? What if it's just what I need? What if it's what I hoped for and prayed about? What if this is it?
Only now I see what I didn't see. Only now I see love doesn't have to be overwhelming, and lasts longer when it doesn't. Love is moments, and him creeping into your thoughts when you thought you would never think of him again. Love is smells that make you feel safe. Love is in the spring, love is forgiveness, love is divine.
Part of my plot has been to fall in love, to have that one, to get married, to start that life, but this weekend really made me realize how long I've been afraid, how long I've been sabotaging myself, how this "fall in love" is really bigger than any other fall in love. At 24, I could date someone who had potential. At 28, boy, you better already achieved it or on your last steps. What can I give in to? What is not important? When does "what's good on paper" every equate to love? When does "wonder what my friends will think" ever mean forever. Aha. It hits me with a sack of bricks. I ran, I blamed, I sabotaged, I went too fast, I disappeared, I was too busy and most of all I dated people that I knew would never be consistent. And I realized the scariest thing, is the most perfect thing that I got right the first time. I fell for someone, exactly how hard, at exactly the same time he fell for me. And now I worry, what if I fall for him, and he doesn't fall for me? What if I need too much attention and it scares him away? What if I'm too mean and it makes him leave? What if we go too fast? What if we go too slow? What if he likes me too much and I get bored? What if he has no money? What if he lies?
Or what if it's great? What if it's just what I need? What if it's what I hoped for and prayed about? What if this is it?
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