I won't go back

A Clarity of Purpose

Though slightly dreading the days leading up to this, I am now on Day 3 of a Fast. I am still eating fruits/vegetables/legumes/brown rice/pasta and water, and I just recently phased out yogurt from my personal fast options.

Question 1 from everyone: Why are you fasting?

My church home MtZionBaptist in Arlington VA has undergone many changes in 2012, much like me, they have been displaced while making their church bigger and better, which will happen on Aug 5th, which coincedentially, concides with my last weekend in Washington DC area. The Pastor challenged us not to come back the same way we left and asked us to join him in a fast of at least 7 days, but at most 21 days.

Since I will be becoming a better me in a short time, and only had excuses why I wouldn't, I joined for 7 days, 14 possibly.

I was reading what one girl wrote about fasting and juice diets (which I might move to next) and she mentioned a clarity of purpose, clarity of skin and energy of life. And truly it is amazing how much hunger is a bit of a mind game. Beside day one when I had a light headache, I haven't been crazy hungry, septible to cravings (yet)!, I do still smell stuff and want it. It keeps me busy, keeps me in the right mind frame to get work done, keeps my mind so clear without fats, alcohol or caffeine to junk it up, and it also keeps me from going out as much. Mind you if I can't eat or drink, you only have me around for conversation. What fun is that? I'm fun.

But this will keep me to my next most important thing, finishing my prereqs before school starts....
And I think God has already blessed me, shortened work days, fun work days, and possible a place to stay!

Blessed :)

Similiar values

As I'm going through interviews to replace my position as well as another position, I'm realizing that no one at the table shares the same values as me. It is amazing that we were able to get along this long without our differences coming into place. I have gone to shop with them, watched them drop 200$ on one item without batting an eye. I've travelled to different countries with them. And today I've heard them say ridiculous things about why they wouldn't hire someone that align with exactly the person I am. Gosh, how the heck did I get hired. It makes almost no sense. I have nothing that they are looking for, but must be exactly what they needed, maybe even exactly what I needed, to succeed be a better person, but knowing who I didn't want to be.

At 27, from how/where I grew up, I should be looking to buy a house by now, outside of some small city, in a suburb. I should have a regular boyfriend maybe one that I'm hinting that I'm ready for marriage. Still active, still young, my subconscience is moving me to these things. DC is def not a place where I will be buying anything, or hinting to anyone. I'm blessed to leave to follow my traditional values, but I will definitely miss this place. When I leave the area, I hear people talk about this place as a vacation spot, a place to visit, and it makes me smile, I live here. I do that stuff all the time, there are always forty-leven things going on, for free, people to see places to visit, but I think Charlotte will be like that too. AND for cheaper.

L. O. V. E.

I have always needed too much love. I have terrific psychological reasons (explanations for this chase I do to fill my lovecup with both boys and girls). I don't want everyone to love me or to be popular, I just want 1, 2 or 3 people to love me fully. When it happens (just a few weeks ago, it did), it is amazing, nothing can replace it, but when it starts to fade (at least this time, maybe always) I feel myself grasping for anyone that can make it last. And that is when the problems start. That is how the mess shoves it way back into my life. And depending on how long I let it exist, it may make or break me. As of today, it is gone.

I am a bit of a romantic. Wait...not a bit. Imma sucker for romance. I love all those thinking of yous, call to talk, just cause gifts. And I love to give them back if he's worthy. I has been only 7 months since I had a BF. Not a longtime considering but def longer than any other time in my life. Is this time for the big slow down will less men be knocking on my door trying to thrill me, romantize me, love me?

Who knows? I won't even dwell on that.
I have gone out with/hung out with 3 guys from DC (A huge NO!) who altogether would equal less than 1/2 of a person, such an ugly waste of my time, but I have been so in love, so in need of attention that I gave too much of my greatness (time!) to them and almost fell in lust with one. I t was so bad that when I met up with one of them, I wanted to walk run away immediately, I almost asked him if he could just end it as soon as we saw each other. I should have just left. The night just got worse from there.
How did all this happen? It wasall because of one guy.(not one of the three losers) A man unlike me, but a lot like me too, reminded me of someone, cared. He was generally a good guy, was there to hang out with me. numerous times a week, like to text, spoke to me on the phone, cared about changing the world, was available, was excited to hang out with me whenever we met,

And treated me right.

He changed my thoughts, gave me attention, and made me want to be better and do better.
And beautifully I realized, that it is not only possible, but he did it so simply....

Dealing with Grief

Though blessed in all of my days, it has come to the time of the year filled with hardships. My family and my close friends are all dealing with a lot, a lot of sad news. So overwhelming I see people dealing with it in many different ways, wearing sunglasses at all time, trying to overcompensate and do extra so they don't have to deal with the pain, trying to pretend like nothing is wrong, becoming fully unavailable to people who need their help.

Really? Is there even a right answer? The only thing that helps grief is time. Give the person time to come of out, but simply be supportive find a way to show that you are there for them. I personally like to revolve myself around positive things, but also sometimes I feel so bad, not being positive when everyone else is trying, so I generally just try to be alone.

My biggest fear is that I am the person who becomes fully unavailable, not emphatic, not caring. I'm not really sure how to show that. I do know text messages are the devil and I fully plan to employ in phone calls more often in my future.

<3 Just keep trying...and know that they're doing much better with God. 

Someone to come home to

I realized yesterday that I may be considered to be in my late 20s, or at the very least the last year of my mid-20s. Wow it has come to that I know a lot of women in their 30s to my age that are grinding hard, they get up early work from sunup to sundown, they come home late, rarely come to family functions, they are always busy, impressive, maybe taking extra jobs and extra classes.

But I know why, beyond the "success" that others see, we have nothing to come home to, we stay out because there is nothing at home waiting for us, we don't go to family functions cause it is just single no one to bring with us. You may see successful, but we only hear single.

Death

I've been running from or ignoring death for as long as I remember. Growing up people who died were people "I knew of: maybe spoke to, maybe had a moment with but didn't really remember. Funerals were fun times when family came together, ate, and got dressed up and went to church, besides the casket, it was just like a reunion. When people die, I don't know what to say to their loved one, nothing cliche' like it will get better, but mostly I say "I will pray for you."

In college two friends I was really close to died, but I lived out of the country both times, making it easy to distance myself and mourn in my own way. As we grow older, death gets closer and though I have a hard shell it is ready to crack at any moment. My tears threatening to spill over after the first bad or sad thought. So I run, I ignore, I distance myself, cause I don't know how to pull myself together after accepting that pain.

I'm not sure if I have the strength.

A Christian man that takes charge and leads

I was reading my favorite articles, Just Engaged on Essence.com, and I came across this....

When interviewed a woman asked how she would describe her future husband and she says,

"A Christian man that takes charge and leads"

And it clicked, though my list on what I want in a man is fluid, I realized that this was missing. And this was necessary. I hear you God.

I see your true colors shining through

Can I tell you something? I feel so good inside. I have had the most amazing opportunity something that maybe I didn't realize before, but I have met some really great true people, true friends. And it helped me realized how many fake friends I have been holding onto, giving my time, and space, wasting all my light on them. They could careless about me, sadly it was only when they were available, when I could offer them something, when I was paying or cooking, but you know what, I'm over it. I'd like to call and yell at each of them, how dare they waste my time, hurt my feelings, and such, (nope I'd still like to), but why waste any more energy on them. I have three/four people in my life, that every time I am around them I am filled with love, have a great time doing nothing, and don't have to impress anybody, pay for anybody, listen to their stories, offer them my body, and they still want to hang out with me! F the Boos, F the fake friends asking me to do something for them, I feel a change, and though for me, I sometimes feel so lonely, I take that fake pettiness. So through playing games.

From a man to his unborn (not even thought about) daughter

"Every word on love, I've ever written has been a subconscious dedication to your honor."

 I have this taped to my desk, and it is coming off. So to keep this beautiful quote forever, I thought share it on the blog. A man with no kids wrote this about he feels when he writes about love and how he does it for his unborn daughter. Beautiful

All Black cast of Steel Magnolias

Steel Magnolias is one of the best classic movies of all time. I still know some of the scenes, word for word, I love to pronounce words like Ouisier and stop every time that movie is on tv to have a good laugh and a good cry.

Yesterday they announced lifetime will come out with an all Black cast with the same exact storyline! These are some heavy-hitting actresses, Queen Latifah, Phylicia Rashad, Alfre Woodard, and Jill Scott.

I love supporting my black people and theses are some of my idols, but really I don't want to see it. I just kept picturing during the preview, this should be Dolly Parton speaking, this should be Sally Fields.

Oh man...