Day 321: How not to be a loser and what a slim chance to succeed

So part of my new adult life, I have been looking a lot at relationships and who is really winning at this. I used to be a dating expert, mostly because I started at 15 years old so hopefully 11 years later I got it down pat, but onward to this new monster called relationships. Ahhh, you think they are the same, or maybe even related not so much. In the words of Isaiah Washington in one of my most watched movies, Love Jones, "All of this people running around here jumping, skipping, falling in love...falling in love ain't shit. Somebody talk to me PLEASE about how to stay there."

Falling in love is easy, feels good, looks good, and oh man, the feeeeelings are out of this world. This part I have down, even know how long it's going to last. Now look at the man 3 years later. How are you supposed to feel about him then?

Deciding you want to marry someone and dating them are two different things entirely. You can date anyone as long as they don't get on your nerves, but suddenly you're thinking does this work for life. Can you really stand for him to mess up his finances, but now it could affect you? Can you really deal when something bad happens due to his neglience and then straight face not blame him? OR something bad happens and you stick around hoping it gets good again? Can you really look at him when bad thing after bad thing happens to him and not quietly cough, "that's karma" into your glove for that horrible year he put you through because you did stick around?

So I'm going home from work on Valentine's Day (worse commute ever~off-loaded trainS!) and I'm on the bus next to a pretty workaholic in her 30s. It took us forever to get to that point so it was after 6p.m. Workaholic answers the phone and proceeds to talk about work and what needs to get done, what she will do tonight, and how she couldn't believe that people weren't available to talk to her tonight. OH Gosh, please not me please not me. That life is not one that I want at all.

I also think there is a point were you become set in your ways, and may not be able to adjust to having a life that is a "we" after you've been you for so long. Marry young and stupid, but not too young and stupid, because you need to know who you are and not just be an extension of the man. For example, I see a lot of military girlfriends/wives that are BF's friends's women, and I can't believe how much their life depends on the man. Some of the women were staying at hotels for weeks at a time just to get a glimpse of their men on the weekends. Others gave up college to stay close.  That life is not one that I want at all (unless it involves a villa in Italy, then I will be forced to have to pull a BWMN (by whatever means necessary) to make sure I'm right there up under my BF turned HUSBAND)

Then there are we long-distance girlfriends, I'm not going to lie, my relationship is grasping by straws that I just can't seem to touch. The love is there, but what can we do to foster it, without touch and time. I hate feeling like I'm not growing staying in the same place, but I have put the necessary motions in order for us to see each other, for it to work out, now I just have to wait and see if it works out. We are generally the ones who get the rings. (if you read essence.com, every week on just engaged there is a long-distance relationship that they couldn't take it anymore and tied the knot) I'm sure that involved seeing each other more than just every 6 months, that enough to make you forget somebody.

And finally the "we've been together for 10 years" dating. What? Why? I always assumed that I would date someone for a year decide that's what I wanted, do the engagement thing for a year then get married. 10 years and nothing to show for it but those 10 years. Yuck. And not even count as marriage. Do you realize at this day and time a 10 year marriage would be considered a success? My BF actually said that he would like to get to know someone for a couple of years, get close to each others families, etc. That sounds good if we met in middle school, but kinda hard to do as adults that met after college and hardly visit or see our parents ourselves. If this is his route, he might have to start at day one with someone else.

 So my slim chance to succeed is to get married, while I'm young, stupid and not set in my ways, but not too young or too stupid, somehow get my BF to think we've been together for 5+ years, while I would like it to be 2, be close to each other a lot more often, but not too close to each other that we are smothered and most of all, don't take work phone calls on Valentine's night. We should be cuddling or eating.