Boo is gone…for a while….a—while. I knew it all along so it
wasn’t a surprise to me. (I have a hard time dealing with surprise disappearances
these days, go figure)
He said something really prophetic our last time hanging out
together, he said “I never wanted to put you back in the position, that I “rescued”
you from.”
I really leaned back and thought about that. In essence it
is true, but he didn’t hurt me when he left. I was never hurt or bothered when
BF left either; it was when he disappeared that crushed my spirit and my hopes.
Boo couldn’t do that to me. I was never trying to build a life with Boo. I didn’t
hear from him everyday about our future together, how we would be closer
together during the separation, how he wanted me beside him, that we should
marry immediately, that he would call for me after three months how often
visits would happen. Oh, but this isn’t
about EX-him. Back to Boo.
The only thing I have to say about our untimely ending is
just how untimely it was. I appreciate the time he made for me, especially when
he would often not ,but our brains were stressed, elsewhere, not focused on
each other, on that special feeling that we feel when we are together, “my glow”
and his “screw/boo/smirk/smile” face.
We came together, last minute, a busy night, with uneasy
feelings and watched a movie that magnified our uneasy feelings. I wanted to
clear my head, enjoy the feelings, hold him, laugh easily, stand on my tiptoes
and kiss his lips over and over and over.
It didn’t happen. By the time I felt like myself, he was
gone, selfish, deciding to leave with a bad taste in his mouth. Maybe he was
right. What bothered me the most was as usual, how left out I felt, all
decisions were made by him, it was never what we wanted. A lesson I left alone.
I never knew what he wanted from our boo-ness, never knew
how he felt, never heard him say his feelings about me. A lesson I left alone.
I heard from him recently. I asked him not to before we left, said I
enjoyed our time, and hoped to never hear from again. It was supposed to be a
moment in time. He ignored me.
It was only supposed to be a moment in time.
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